“Sometimes, an album cover is more than an album cover -- sometimes, it's a window onto a magical world you didn't even dare to dream existed, and for just a few dollars you, too, can be a part of that world.”

~ E. Bougerol

By E. Bougerol  |  Send to Friend

Remember albums? No? Well, back in the day people used to cluster a bunch of mp3s into a sort of collection (usually a baker's dozen or so) and sell them that way. And the cover was always a big deal. It was the first impression an album made, and if the record went on to greatness, the image inevitably acquired a kind of legendary status of its own. But if the cover sucked, it was usually a fairly safe bet that the music followed suit. There's "Abbey Road," there's "Purple Rain," and then there are these 10 singular moments in album art history, available in a Best Buy bargain bin near you.

The All-Time Worst Album Covers

10. Nelson, Because They Can (1995)

You may remember the brothers Nelson, those Aryan-featured, flaxen-haired sons of 1950s heartthrob Ricky, who scored big with their 1990 album "After the Rain." Figuring their status as the twin Rapunzels of soft rock was unassailable, the boys took five long years to hatch their sophomore effort, "Because They Can" -- and what did they put on the cover? A pair of William Wegman's Weimeraners in platinum blonde wigs. Apparently, the Anne Geddes flower-babies were busy. We're sure this had nothing to do with the album's swift, decisive tanking.

9. Jermaine Jackson, My Name is Jermaine (1976)

Got that? That's Jermaine, J-E-R-M-A-I-N-E, which is Swahili for "I exist! I really do! I'm just as talented as my brother!" What with the magical guitar and its blinding, refracted starlight, it's easy to miss Jermaine's would-be badass white pantsuit and mistake it for a dress, which kind of makes the whole scene look like Minnie Ripperton getting married on the moon.

8. Millie Jackson, Back to the Shit (1989)

Generally speaking, Millie Jackson IS the shit -- check out girlfriend's righteous cover of Carole King's "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" on this very album if you don't believe us -- but her rep as the queen of blue stage repartee got a little out of hand by the late '80s, and this image, with its implied Jacksonian loaf-pinching, is the result. Why is Millie holding one of her shoes? What's with the vase of roses on Millie's bathroom floor? And, cover art aside, who in Millie's entourage green-lit song number five, "Muffle That Fart"?

7. Lords of Acid, Pussy (1998)

There's deftly volleyed sexual innuendo, and then there's the cover of "Pussy," by Lords of Acid. Why be subtle? While we can appreciate the graphic artistry at play here (especially the way Kitty's ears are splayed just so), we guarantee we're not showing it the kind of spastic, high-fiving love that L.O.A. were clearly expecting when they dropped some E and came up with this clever little gambit. You're left with just one question: Where are Lords of Acid from again? Oh, that's right. Belgium. The Canada of Europe.

6. Scorpions, Virgin Killer (1977)

Cover for the Scorpions' fourth album, or American Apparel ad? Hard to say, especially since the weird shards erupting from Kristy McNichol's crotch are seriously distracting. Anyway, the German rockers eventually changed the album's artwork to something a little less jailbaity, but purists (and pedophiles) will always keep this image close to their hearts. Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go buy some ethically-responsible hotpants made in downtown L.A.

5. Limp Bizkit, Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water (2000)

The artwork gracing this disc from Florida rapcore crew Limp Bizkit is a sobering reminder that as we type, thousands of angsty teen boys are holed up in subdivisions across America with the curtains drawn, feverishly rendering the "album art" that they're totally gonna use for their band's first album. You know, when they get a band together. Did Fred Durst's mom ever come across this sketch of hotdogs and alien fetuses when she was doing her son's laundry? If so, God bless her for looking the other way.

4. Kenny Loggins, Keep the Fire (1979)

Ignore, if you will, Kenny's keening falsetto on nearly every track. Skip past Loggins and Michael MacDonald hell-bent on out-mellowing each other on "This is It," and the enforced irie of the Jamaican-inspired "Junkanoo Holiday (Fallin'–Flyin')." Just take a step back and look at Kenny. Look at him. Kenny, in his Krishna robe, floating just outside the Earth's atmosphere in the shadow of a cosmic rainbow. He's handing you the fire, man. Take it. What's wrong with you?

3. Chick Corea, The Leprechaun (1976)

Sometimes, an album cover is more than an album cover -- sometimes, it's a window onto a magical world you didn't even dare to dream existed, and for just a few dollars you, too, can be a part of that world. This is not one of those times. Chick Corea, you can keep your world, with its heart-printed man-smocks and art-deco Tinkerbells who juice you with psychedelic lifeforce through your fingertips. Did we mention that Chick's a Scientologist? Does that make L. Ron Hubbard the fairy in this scenario?

2. Donny Osmond, Disco Train (1976)

Take Willy Wonka's purple top hat, Liberace's Steinway and the world's largest paper doily. Now pile the whole thing onto train tracks, add an incoming choo-choo and a Mormon former child star grasping at relevance, and you have one of the most embarrassing moments of Donny Osmond's career. And that's really, really saying something. The sad part? Swap in Elton John and this scene would make perfect sense.

1. Crosby, Stills & Nash, Live it Up (1990)

Bit tricky, this one, so allow us to walk you through it: There are these giant skewers on the moon, see, and you can use them to roast wieners, just like at camp, except that the skewers need regular maintenance, so they call in the miniature weiner techs to shimmy up the poles and sort of check on everything. Got that? No? Maybe come back later with 3-D glasses and a fistful of shrooms. When Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher were going down the list of potential sperm donors for their lovechild, this has to be what gave David Crosby the edge.


E. Bougerol once won an award in second grade for drawing a giant chicken cooking a bunch of people in a cauldron. None of those people were her family, she says.