By Jayson Musson  |  Send to Friend

Dear Mr. Rats:

Recently I discovered that a man I had been seeing for several weeks had a wife and two children at home. Needless to say I dropped him fast, but not before baby mom’s found out, and now she has gone a little “crazy” on me. I have told her that I didn’t know she existed, and she knows that's true, but of course he’s playing it as though I somehow lured him into my bed with a magic potion. Regardless of the obvious, I didn’t knock her up and I didn’t make promises to her in front of God and witnesses, she still will not get off my back. I have taken measures to keep them both out of my life, but she just keeps talking all of this smack about me, and unfortunately we live in the same neighborhood.

I feel really bad for her. I really, really do. But, I don’t know how she finds the time to hate me, honestly. I mean she’s got two kids to take care of and has to get the word out to the rest of the women out there who still don't know he's married. I’ve met some women who have gone through the same thing and it always seems to play out like this. It’s always the scorned and bitter housewife going after the unknowing single woman who thought she was just getting some action, meanwhile scorned and bitter takes him back in and wastes more of her life waiting for the next round of drama. I’m not jealous that she gets to have him. On behalf of women all over the world I’d like to thank her for taking him off our hands, but what can I say to get her to concentrate on her own life and just shut the fuck up already?

Sincerely,

Call Me Ugly, But I Didn’t Have to Hypnotize Your Man


Dear CMUBIDHTHYM:

Although I do believe that you didn’t know homie dude was married and with children, I think that in the future it would behoove you to pay a bit more attention to your surroundings, honey. I mean, how can you not know that loverboy was hitched with two little mongrels if he lived in the same neighborhood as you? That’s just bananas to me.

But anyway, this isn’t about your observational skills, but rather about how to get a bitch off your back. How to keep a ho’s mouth closed. How to keep a heifer in a pasture. First off, go easy on her. People who have been betrayed are oft willing to forgive the person who betrayed them because of that stupid thing called L-O-V-E. I don’t know why it is, but when a person really loves someone (or at least has to split the rent with them), they’re willing to overlook everything from the shortcomings of that person right down to their tragic character flaws. That’s why I think love is dumb. It totally renders an otherwise decently intelligent human being into an irrational simp. This is why your shit-talking lady pal won’t let what happened just pass on, because she’s not willing to address the infidelity of her husband within their relationship. Maybe it’s because it’s just too painful for her, maybe it’s just a nuisance because who wants kids without someone to split the bills they accrue, or maybe she’s posited all her trust in him, so the only thing that could possibly make him stray from her and his children is a capital ‘H’ Harlot with grand designs against her family’s unhappiness. Who knows? I know I don’t. And I definitely don’t know how to silence this lady other than challenging her to some fisticuffs in the street.

Perhaps you two could settle the lingering beef pugilistically like an old-time boxer from a Warner Bros. cartoon? Me, myself, I always enjoy a classic demonstration of strength, and when two women fist fight each other, it harkens back to a prelapsarian (I’ve always wanted to use that word: Suck on that, Paul Auster!) age in the Garden of Eden when man and woman knew no shame, and women were allowed box it out with animals in the garden free from the rigid constraints placed upon them by bullshit gender roles from centuries of socialization. So I say unto you, CMUBIDHTHYM: Knock a bitch out! Walk to her house down the street, ring on her bell, and when she opens the door, tell her to get her two kids, and when all three of them are standing in the door, punch her right in her goddamn teefs, and yell: “GARDEN OF EDEN, BITCH!”

Take care. I hope I helped a little.



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