By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

Player Profile: Wherein we present a portrait of a former paramour, done all NFL draft style.
Fake Name: Molly
Height: 5’4”
Weight: 125

Short Bio: Molly was the kind of girl that only takes 15 minutes and a handle of Vladimir vodka to get, but her very presence then became intoxicating and addictive. While, it must be said her face was somewhat chipmunk-like, with an upturned nose and pronounced incisors, her green, almond-shaped eyes worked their way into your subconscious. She could preternaturally sense one’s innermost desires and impulses, and, no matter how dangerous or asinine, foster and encourage them until they became a terrifying reality. She was hedonistic and capricious and my weakness for the eternal present kept me in her lurid and destructive spell.

Career Highlights

-Technically, my roommate Josh hooked up with her first at the year’s first frat party, but he blew it after being caught making out with her friend in the next room. Out of revenge, she got a guy friend of hers’ to call Josh the next day and attempt to convince him that it was actually a dude with whom he had hooked up. He was temporarily shaken, but we were able to talk him down. A year later, he would come out of the closet.

-The memory of her dissipated like the carbonation in a beer, but, as luck would have it, we met again at my good friend’s campus apartment. She was a friend of one of the roommates, and as my friend and I watched Almost Famous in her room, Molly stopped in the doorway, clad in a t-shirt, short shorts, and knee socks, dangling a plastic bottle of vodka at her side. She asked us if we wanted any and my friend declined. I obliged and went with her into her friend’s room. After four or five, or maybe six, shots and fifteen minutes later, we were in the bathroom, fucking on the sink. (Teenage Porn Fantasy Number 27: Fucking in a dormitory bathroom: check.)

-After the first few goes, she let it be known that her favorite position was doggy style as though it were a burden.

-One night, after a cool rainstorm, as we walked down Main Street, she said, “There are three things I will never do: heroin, anal sex, and…two things. There are two things I will never do.”

-After a booze-besotted night, I drove her car through a cornfield after getting mad air on what was locally referred to as the “rollercoaster,” a 45° drop on a straight country back road. After some high volume protest, she took the wheel and we wound up in a park at 9:30 in the morning shooting at a Frisbee with a pellet gun.

-As time went by, these nights became increasingly frequent until the night before summer break; I drove her car through a chain link fence. She kicked me out of her car and, later, upon catching up with her later that night at a house party, she put a cigarette out on my arm, kissed me, and then slapped my face. The cigarette scar still remains as a bittersweet reminder.

Source Photo: Annette Benning

Sexuations:

1. The Willy-Wonker
For the couple with a sweet tooth and sour disposition, this maneuver involves fitting an everlasting gobstopper snugly into your lover’s anus and giving him mean fellatio. The trick to this treat however, is that the man must hold off on cumming until the gobstopper has melted down to just a sliver of a confectionary, which you then chew to nothing as he explodes.

Candice and I do the Willy-Wonker pretty frequently, we’re thinking of changing it up with a tootsie pop to keep things interesting.

 

2. The Latex Mace

After performing safe sex, the male puts his drawers over his head and removes his now loaded condom. After swinging the condom around his head several times yelling "For Glory!" he strikes his partner in the face with the rubber.

 

Until Joey performed The Latex Mace Crusader, Annette never knew safe sex could be so painful.