By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

Player Profile: Wherein we present a portrait of a former paramour, done all NFL draft style.
Fake Name: Kasey
Height: 6’2”
Weight: 190

Short Bio:  Kasey, a twenty-something from Montana, was a paradigm of the negative effects of testosterone overload on a young man with the mental capacity of a sexually active five year old.  Kasey was a smart guy pursuing a science career, which perhaps lead him to overcompensate the inherent lack of coolness in an engineering degree by dressing like a hardcore punk and drinking himself into oblivion.  Still, he was endearing and loveable, but utterly incapable of commitment and identifying his most basic feelings (unless he was severely intoxicated).  With a muscular build and a passion for outdoor sports, Kasey wasn’t half bad in bed either.

Career Highlights

-I met Kasey while visiting a close friend at her university (which I would end up attending).  Kasey was her boyfriend’s roommate.  I was inebriated and managed to fall up the stairs leading to his apartment, where he was standing at the top of the landing wearing nothing but an adult Depends Diaper, pissing all over himself and the surrounding floor.

-When I began pursuing Kasey, our relationship consisted of mutual sexual tension and boozing.  Initially, I had totally ulterior motives and just wanted to get into his pants. Since he was challenged in the emotional expression department, Kasey’s idea of flirting was punching me in the tits, a move he found hysterical, or completely ignoring me.  What a fuckin’ winner.

-I pursued the hell out of Kasey, like a fly on shit, until we finally hooked up.  I guess I got what I deserved because the first time we hooked up he tried to give me the shocker on a dance floor.  Honestly! I continued to willingly hook up with him for nearly two years after that. 

-Before I came into the picture, Kasey had it in bad for one of his roommates, but was astoundingly afraid that she would reject him.  As soon as she got a serious boyfriend, he went off the deep end and claimed that he loved her (boo hoo).  Since I liked him, I willingly listened to him moan and groan about his unrequited love.  That’s when I moved on in.

-Kasey was a very catholic, conservative republican.  It was extremely difficult to reconcile his love for Black Flag and his insatiable need to drink until he puked all over himself with his fear of going to hell.

-One wasted night after we hooked up at his apartment, he got a little turned around on his way to the bathroom and ended up in his roommate’s bedroom.  He ended up pissing all over the floor and all over his roommate’s clothes before climbing into bed with said (male) roommate.  After being yelled at by the roommate, he got out of bed, pissed everywhere again then climbed back into bed for round two of cuddly man time.

-Kasey had these moments that made all of his hell-unleashing behavior worthwhile.  He would say some really nice things about me and he was fiercely loyal to his friends.  Kasey wasn’t much into sugarcoating or being romantic, but I knew that he had my back through all the shit.  Unfortunately, these moments in which his feelings about me were clear were few and far between.

-Kasey’s birthday was a hot mess.  After the festivities (that ended with me puking in a recycling bin on the street), we headed back to my place where we messed around and inadvertently knocked into an outlet and short-circuited the electricity in the entire house, causing a power outage.  The dire state of darkness provoked a naked-ass move to the second floor balcony.  My roommates later reported that our quantitative efforts to get-it-in-outside were about as fun to watch as grandpa lubing up his wang before sticking it to grandma’s asshole. Kasey, a loveable shithead for sure, also made several confused runs to jump off the balcony thinking that it would somehow lead back inside the house.  Later that night, again disoriented, he peed all over the hallway and one of my roommate’s doors then tried to get into bed with her.  When he tried to leave after the golden monsoon, he confused his pants with his jacket and put them on over his head.  He ended up splitting the pants completely. You can’t wear a pair of fucking pants as a jacket. The mechanics just don’t work like that.

After a failed attempt to leave, Kasey passed out in my bed and when I tried to wake him up in the morning, he would not move for his love of god.  For all I knew he could have been dead --  he certainly drank enough the night before to kill himself. I came back from class only to find him butt ass naked in my bed at three in the afternoon, still recovering from the night before.

-So many nights ended up with him trying to tell me how he felt about me.  One particular evening after pushing me into a busy street intersection (flirting?), he stood in his living room trying to tell me that things were “complicated.”  Really, he just kept waving back and forth and looked like he was about to pass out after several intermittent emotional revelations.

-I met Kasey’s parents and little sister on his graduation weekend. I liked his parents more than I liked him. He even came home with me for a weekend to meet my parents. I thought things were getting serious after that, but a few weeks later he invited his 30-year-old former T.A. over [that he used to hook up with a few years back] to drink with us.  She ended up staying over that night and I didn’t.  I sat in his living room chatting it up with his roommate while he was upstairs fucking this 30-year-old woman. That was the pure definition of humiliation and where things ended for me.

-Two months later came the icing on the cake.  I mentioned in passing to Kasey that I had never taken it up the ass.  The six-month Kasey-hook up-ban officially ended shortly after that.  One night after boning, when I was sleeping soundly, I woke up to the feeling of a truck being driven up my ass.  That truck was his D.   Dude, next time please give me a heads up before you put it in there while I’m sleeping.

Source Photo: Henry Winkler

Sexuations:

1.The Salty Popcorn

A man masturbates  into a bag of microwavable popcorn. A woman licks off the buttery goodness.

Dude, the only reason I agreed to watch Beaches with karen is because she promised me a Salty Popcorn.

 

 

 

 

 

2. Gumby
A male begins by stretching out his back and sides to achieve comfortable flexibility.  After limbering up, he slams his head against a wall to knock out all of his teeth. Toothless and bleeding, he proceeds to suck his own cock.

If you’re going to do the Gumby, make sure you knock out all of your teeth or else you might hurt your wiener.