“For a while, no amount of walks or propecia tablets could’ve convinced the average fan that Burrell wasn’t an underperforming, overpaid bum.”

~ Scott Hesel

By Scott Hesel  |  Send to Friend

For the love of God, here we go again.

Before this season, we all had to listen to everyone’s problems with Pat Burrell. He strikes out too much, he has an unimpressive batting average, he can’t hit to the opposite field, he can’t make adjustments at the plate, he has no range in the outfield, he doesn’t show emotion, his hairline might be receding a little bit, he yelled at your kids once at Dave & Busters, etc. For a while, no amount of walks or propecia tablets could’ve convinced the average fan that Burrell wasn’t an underperforming, overpaid bum.

Before this season, Burrell had his fair share of defenders as well. They were mostly fans of the Money Ball variety, quick to point out Burrell’s high career OPS and the fact that his most recent seasons were not that dissimilar, statistics wise, from his breakout 2002 season.

Now that Burrell is playing out of his mind, everyone in Philly is behind him. Still, questions remain: Can he keep up his torrid pace? Is he merely performing this well because it’s a contract year?

Let’s cut through the bullshit, however, and get to the most important point: Regardless of his performance, Pat Burrell has, and always will be, vastly superior to you.

Pat Burrell gets paid a ton of money to play professional baseball. He is a perfected form of the human species. His girlfriends are hotter then yours, his house is bigger, and as far as his iPhone goes: Better apps. Pat Burrell probably doesn’t smoke weed, but if he wanted to, He could get White Widow no problem.

I know what you’re thinking; it’s not fair. You give your heart and soul rooting for this team. You grew up hearing about the 64’ collapse, you were eleven when Joe Carter tore your heart out, and you experienced sweet catharsis last year when the team finally cashed in on those near playoff misses. You would give anything to put on that pin-stripped uniform, and yet for years, you had to witness the malaise and aloofness of a certain number 5.

And I’m here to tell you: It’s the aloofness of the gods. And if you don’t like it, maybe you should’ve learned to hit a slider.

Maybe emotion isn’t what you need anyway. You know who the poster boy athlete for emotion is? You know who played the game like he was in the backyard? Brett Favre.

The same Brett Favre who gave up in last year’s NFC championship game because it was too cold.

The modern era of sports is defined by the tension between the average fan and the rich, distant and cold athlete. Philly is no stranger to this conflict. Their fans remember Ricky Watters’ “for who? For what?” while forgetting the workhorse running back who grinded out four yards a carry on teams with Rodney Peete and Ty Detmer as quarterbacks. I repeat, Ty Detmer.

But honestly, who cares. The fact remains that Pat Burrell, Ricky Watters, Rodney Peete, Aaron Rowand and even Ty Detmer are all light years better than you.

Don’t complain; you deserve it. You all protest about lack of emotion and ‘clutchness’ in Philly athletes, but like a naïve girl continually running back to her asshole boyfriend, you fans will still support the teams. It is YOU who buys the merchandise and tickets, contributing to the astronomical rise in salaries that further drives the wedge between athlete and fan. And as far as the Phillies go, you tolerate a team that is composed of owners who are so contemptuous of their fans, they don’t even bother to show their faces in public. For Christ sake, Philly Mag had to hire a Private Investigator just to get pictures of them!

So, until you start protesting managerial and ownership practices with your absence, regardless of winning, I will continue to remind you of how athletes, and particularly Pat Burrell, are much, much better than you. Think about it: You are grinding out 80 hours a week to make Partner at Dechert while Burrell is straining himself to decide between blond A and blonde B.

Are you mad?! You want to get up and do something about it? Well, it’s time to take up arms, voice your displeasure and drive one of the best hitters in baseball out of town! Just like Bobby Abreau!

Job well done.