“Running is the ultimate bureaucratic activity.”

~ Scott Hesel

By Scott Hesel  |  Send to Friend

“Communist Football" -- Late, former Michigan coach Bo Schembechler, Describing the Brigham Young passing offense of the 1980s.

Throughout history, the mythos about football is that you win on the ground. We all know the saying “three yards and a cloud of dust” – it’s as American as apple pie and James Brown samples. It’s at the very essence of our collective narrative regarding football: The narrative that favors ball-control offense and field position for a winning strategy, and it’s a strategy that has been endorsed by nearly every mainstream pundit and coach in history. As such, those three yards on the ground are considered the noblest and grittiest way to line-up and physically beat up your opponent. The cloud of dust? A result of improper field maintenance; even grittier.

Passing, however, has always been the action of the liberal-minded, elitist Communist offensive system. It’s a gimmick used by less physically gifted teams to try and even the playing field. Even worse? No goddamn dust clouds. Further proof that this is the hippie, anti-establishment offense? Every passing innovation came from California: Bill Walsh’s modified West Coast Offense. Air Coryell’s Chargers. And while the Run ‘n’ Shoot may not have originated on the Left Coast, the only detail people remember is Earnest Givens’ horrible version of the Electric Slide.

The rules were always stacked against passing from the start. Since you didn’t see Leatherheads, let me break it down for you: In the 1920s, roughing the passer was legal, an incomplete pass in the opponent’s endzone resulted in a turnover, two incomplete passes in a row resulted in a penalty, and three incompletes in a row meant an appearance before the House of Un-American Activities Committee. Indeed, The U.S. was so biased against passing that 5'8” Jewish quarterback Benny Friedman’s record setting seasons for the New York Giants from 1927-1930 caused Harvard University to add height requirements to the admissions process.

As you can see, history does not favor passing the ball. A team that features the passing game is usually considered to be composed of dirty Bolsheiviks.

The real truth, however, is the exact opposite: Running the football is the un-American Communist action.

Think about it: Running is the ultimate bureaucratic activity. A running play involves a passive hand-off to an autocratic running back who monopolizes the ball and runs through “holes” created by overly complicated blocking schemes that are models of inefficiency. Furthermore, if this running back fails to progress anywhere, he is still handed the ball throughout the game it hopes of “establishing the run”…Sounds suspiciously like a Five Year Plan.

Just take a look at a typical running play, the “Toss Sweep”, and marvel at the Stalin-esque red tape:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is this the best way to win? A bunch of lineman tripping over each other’s feet so a single player can maybe get five yards? Call this for what it is: Socialistic hubris.

Passing, on the other hand, is pure capitalism, baby. A middle manager, whom we will refer to as the “Quarterback," drops back into the pocket and selects from a number of individuals to receive his articulate pass and run with it. Each receiver brings a different skill set to the table, whether it’s excellence at slant routes, curls, or Adobe Illustrator. Furthermore, The Offensive Line, formerly a confusing mess on running plays, merely sits back and prevents the QB from getting sacked (bankruptcy) on passing plays. Let’s look at a passing play diagram:

 

 

As you can see, there are many options to execute a business plan here. You know what you’re getting with the Dependable Performer, while the Talented Alcoholic can get deep, but is never guaranteed to be going at hundred percent, risking an interception, or even worse, a vomiting fit during a client meeting. Every once in a while, you’ll have to throw a bone to the Nepotism Hire in order to please the Board members. Finally, don’t be afraid to dump it off to the Young Hotshot to see what he can do with the ball, even if it means he'll be climbing up the corporate ladder and taking away your job before too long.

Next time you are watching a football game, keep these principles in mind. Pundits will tell you that “running wins football games," but Super Bowl QBs from the past 15 years include such luminaries as the venerable firm of Aikman, Favre, Elway & Young.