“But y'know, some folks love relationships and gaining weight with someone and all that fun stuff that comes with love. Not me, I'm as free as the Sankofa bird.”

~ Rats

By Jayson Musson  |  Send to Friend

Dear Rats,
I am a young girl who is dating a boy who likes me a lot but he says he will commit suicide if he loses me. I like him but this emotional stuff is wearing thin and I want to break up with him but I don't want to hurt him and I still care about him a lot but I know I wont be able to deal with his sensitive nature. It makes me cry.

Thanks for the help,
1-800-CYANIDELINE

Dear 1-800-CYANIDE LINE:

Listen. Darling. I’ve come to understand that most people will do and say a whole lot of crazy shit to get their way in a relationship, that’s why I stay away from them. They’re just too stressful. But y’know, some folks love relationships and gaining weight with someone and all that fun stuff that comes with love. Not me, I’m as free as the Sankofa bird. Free like that brolic African nigga from Amistad! But … uhh … fuck. I forgot what we were talking about … Let me reread your question, hold up a bit.
(long pause)
Okay, I’m back! So it seems that you have feelings for some crazy motherfucker with a penchant for being a morose wimp. Any person that’ll use their life as a leveraging point in a relationship should in fact kill themselves. But I can tell that you have a heart inside of your ribcage and wouldn’t think it funny if this dude kills himself if you two split. But you know what, 1-800-CYANIDE LINE? Them's the breaks. That’s how the plot unfolds. People split the fuck up and there’s no fairy godmother with a goddamn wand to keep people together. So you tell your Robert Smith-ass boyfriend to “Save your theatrics for Harris, Neil Patrick!”

Save Your Theatrics for Patrick, Neil Harris and its likenesses are © 2008 Jayson Scott Musson.



Dear Mister Rats,
This is a bit of a private matter but I would like your opinion. I grew up with a religious background but have chosen to enjoy life in a matter I so see fit. I am still a virgin vaginally but have had anal sex to avoid being religiously condemned by my faith. I am ready to let this go because I truly feel in my heart I have met "Mr. Right". I have been recently seeing a man that has quite the history in Philadelphia for being what some would call a "playa." This man has promised me that if I were to give him my flower, he would respect it and be faithful. How much stock should I put in his word?

Yours very truly,

Deflowering?


Dear Deflowering:

First off, sweetie, which religion condemns vaginal sex but celebrates anal? Last I heard from the silly old Koran and that kooky old Bible -- which, admittedly, are not the most reliable sources of anything -- anal sex was considered sodomy and ‘bearded asshole in the sky’ God from the Torah leveled a city named Sodom because all the inhabitants did all day was suck each other off and go at each other’s butt holes like they were trying to plug a leaky shanty roof. In any event, whatever religion you were brought up under sounds pretty great and might be the only religion I’d be into, outside of Hinduism. But I digress. You didn’t write me to discuss religion, now did you? You want to know if you should permit this alleged ‘Mr. Right’ entry into your most precious alcove of perfumed flowers. I’d say your best bet would be to assess your feelings properly and with a bit of pragmatism: Do you want to give up the punani because you truly believe this gentleman to be the right fella? Or do you want to let him hit it because you’re tired of anal sex and you want to experience some action from the front (i.e. your verginer)? I mean, how long have you been with this guy? I’m assuming not too long if stupid rumors remain a factor in your determination to have sex with him. Why not give your relationship a bit more time and get to know him better before you two fuck? This is your vaginal virginity here, you don’t want to give it up to a shit head douche bag.

Holy shit! Did I just give real advice? [Ed. Note: Apparently!]

Heavy…


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