“Human to human sex is so blah. So very late '80s. I'm so over it. ”

~ Rats

By Jayson Musson  |  Send to Friend

Dear Rats,
So I have a certain situation with a man and his dog. I'd been talking to him for a while and he wanted to take me on a date. He came over to my house straight from the dog park to pick me up. Let's get this straight: I love dogs. If I had to choose between a man and a dog, it would be a tough decision. The deciding factor is that dogs can't make me beg for… well, you get the point. So this guy's dog is his best friend, a puppy that has never been around girls.

When he came to my house, I think he felt threatened. The first thing he did was find my room, get on my bed and pee on it, marking his territory. I wasn't so much bothered by this, but laughed. What did bother me was when I finally came to his house. The dog was much more friendly to me this time. I was a little freaked out when the guy and I were doing our thang, I looked over and the dog was right behind him watching intently. We went into the bathroom and the dog just whined too much for anything to happen. And the worst was when he tried to get in between us. Nothing was going on, but not to say it wasn't heading there. The dog just likes to cuddle. What's a girl to do?

-Jealous Bitch

Dear Jealous Bitch:

Have you ever considered the possibility of a bestiality three-way? I know, I know, the mere thought of sex with an animal breaks so many laws of morality, but let me tell you, Jealous Bitch, you don’t know capital ‘P’ Pleasure until you’ve felt the tender embrace of a chinchilla upon your privates. I'm telling you fellas, go out and a get a chinchilla like right now and give it about a shot glass worth of any red wine (Cabernet Sauvignon, works particularly well for some reason) and that fuzzy lil' thing will be ready to love you like you ain't never been loved. Human to human sex is so blah. So very late '80s. I’m so over it.
Anyway, enough me time, are you still there, Jealous Bitch? You are? Good, I’ll give you some advice now, for free too, and it’s not because I’m drunk, I swear. It’s because I was once in the very same situation that you are in. I was once with a girl who had a cute dog like the little critter your boyfriend owns, and like your boyfriend’s dog, my girlfriend’s dog would watch us have sex, and I’d say to the dog while it was watching “You like the way I’m hitting off your master, huh, pooch?” Of course the dog didn’t reply, it just stared at us until the whole thing was over with then it would try to sleep in between us and sniff at our post-sex privates. What can I say? Dogs are fucking weird. They long for the company of their owners and need company on a constant basis. But, of course, this doesn’t mean that you should have to be hanging out with your boyfriend’s dog every time you’re with him and especially during sex. Tell your boyfriend in the politest tone you can manage: “Baby, I like fucking you and all, but I am not willing to have sex in the bathroom anymore. The sink is too cold to sit on, and fucking on a toilet just doesn’t do it for me. Your dog is just going to have to go into another room while we do it. If he continues to remain in the room during sex, then I don’t think my vagina will be able to achieve a full erection and you wouldn’t want that now, would you?” I’m sure your man will understand. Or if he doesn’t see your way, you should simply give him this equation written on a napkin:

dog in room during sex = no pussy for you

I only hope I was of some minute assistance.



YO SON! You gotta some problems? I sort them the hell out! Ask Rats!