“She once told me my forearms were the sexiest part of my body. It was only later that I thought to take offense. ”

~ Staff

By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

Player Profile: Wherein we present a portrait of a former paramour, done all NFL draft style.

Fake Name: Lindy
Height: 5' 6"
Weight: 120

Short Bio:

Lindy was my high-school nightmare. A classic case of a less-than-stunning girl whose God-given pheromone assembly made her an instant favorite of skeevy dudes everywhere, she turned my senior year into a house of horrors before finally dumping my ass literally the second our senior year ended. Though small of bust and large of nose, Lindy was still sluttily attractive in ways that non-believers could not fathom. She divided my friends into two bitterly resolute camps: those that hated her with every fiber of their being and wanted me to get the hell away from her and those that were more than perfectly willing to throw away friendship, love, money or first choice of college for the chance to fuck her.

Career Highlights:

-Wrote soupy love letters almost daily, many of them relating to her being oversexed and underserved. "I walked around all day dripping like a leaking faucet," she once wrote. Later, after discovering my nerdcore love for Peter Gabriel-era Genesis (I know, I know), she would twist Gabriel's lyrics into naughty double-entendres: "Come on and touch me, touch me, touch me." And so on.

-Once told me my forearms were the sexiest part of my body. It was only later that I thought to take offense.

-Gave wicked blowjobs, but only when the mood struck, which was, shall we say, not with the frequency I might have desired. She was a classic tease, really, learning from an early age how much power she had over the adolescent male by promising far more than she ever intended to offer.

-Worked at the counter of a drugstore, such that she knew the embarrassing secret of everyone in town, be it hemorrhoids, bad breath or fucking fungal growths. She giggled behind the back of every older person who bought condoms or haggard mother who bought shit for their kids' hair-lice.

-Finally pulled the plug on our miserable affair by sneaking off and making out with her first cousin in the woods during an overnight we had at a nearby amusement park campsite. Adding to the fun? Unbeknownst to us, there was a massive Ted Nugent concert taking place at the park fairgrounds, which meant every low-life scumbag in the area was there, howling at the moon, pissing on other people's tents, beating on their girlfriends, and running around dirty and shirtless like they were on an episode of "COPS."

-Lindy, who wore clingy shirts with no bra and scampered about in a bikini as much as possible, was unable to orgasm. No matter how hard I tried. Later, it occurred to me, she simply wouldn't let herself orgasm because that would be seen as a sign of weakness and vulnerability. Shortly after arriving at college, she became a Deadhead and eventually morphed into a radical feminist lesbian. And then, a few years later, married a middle-eastern man who had several children from a previous marriage. That didn't last either.
Source Photo: Barbara Streisand

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

1. The Hot Air Balloon Ride
An incapable, yet protected man will undoubtedly ejaculate into a condom before the woman is even close to an orgasm. The man pulls out, leaving the condom dangling from the woman. Not one to leave a woman in heat, he blows into the end of the condom, inflating it to capacity. The tuneful chap then holds the prophylatic ends tight, allowing air to escape in short bursts. The bursts emit a dolphin-squeak sound that can be manipulated into pleasing melodies, sure to charm the woman as the vibrations take her to a shuddering orgasm.

Sentence: Don’t worry, if you come early, you can always take her on a hot air balloon ride.

2. The Gas Mask

The first person works their way with their partner's anal opening (be it male or female). Starting with one finger, two, three, a dildo, a fist, two fists, the first participant keeps working until the opening is approximately as wide as a grapefruit. The partner then places their nose and mouth over the gaping anus and breathes in and out for as long as they can until the aperture closes back down.

Sentence: Ease up on the kimchi, babe, I'm going to put on your gas mask tonight.