“Write a letter?! What a weirdo. ”

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By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

 

Player Profile: Wherein we present a portrait of a former paramour, done all NFL draft style.

 

Name:  Kylie
Height:  5”3”
Weight:  8 Stone

Short Bio:  Kylie was a proper Englishwoman, with the requisite accent and pale complextion, as well as excellent teeth.  Unfortunately, she possessed inferior red hair, but a man has to make the occasional compromise. I dated her during my Junior year abroad. Our relationship collapsed due to the lack of a Queen size bed.    

 

 

Career Highlights:

-In all actuality, she looked nothing like Meryl Streep.

-Met her on a dance floor at an indie rock club while piss-drunk, i.e. the best way to meet women.  What, you think I was going to mention a coffee shop?

-We went on two dates before X-Mas break.  She told me to keep in touch with her over break by writing her a letter, as she didn’t have the internet. Write a letter?! What a weirdo.

-I never wrote her that letter, but we met up pretty easily once I returned. That was the first night we had sex. It wasn’t good.

-Despite the lack of chemistry, we kept seeing each other because it was overcast and boring that Winter, and all my British friends were too poor to act as serviceable wingmen.

-As an art student, Kylie had obsession with blood as the focus of her creative output.  That would’ve been pretty interesting had I given a shit about art.

-I DID give a shit about music though, and Kylie happened to be from the town of Rugby, home of Jason Pearce and Sonic Boom, of Spacemen 3. This added four extra days to the relationship.

-We used to hang our at her dorm building with her art student friends, smoking joints.  The joints had too much tobacco in them, as all British joints do, making it impossible to get as high as the average American is accustomed to.  Worse yet, they were using my weed, and the concept of “puff puff pass” never really made it across the pond.

-Eventually the smallness of the bed took its toll, and we broke up at a bar over some casual drinks. I feigned sadness, but honestly, I was secretly thinking, “trip to Edinburgh!”

 

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

1. The Muffstash

In order to attract the oral attention every kinky ware wolf desires, an exceptionally furry female prunes her pubic hedges in the fashion of a Johnny Deppish facial hair and solicits a lonely homosexual to passionately embrace her bearded beaver with vicarious vaginal kisses.

I believe in embracing my natural cavewoman ancestry and letting my fur coat flourish to the fullest, and if guys have a problem with it I can always find some weirdo to muffstash my goodness.

 

2. The Saint Bernarndette
When a girl’s persistent pooch insists on sharing the bed with you and your night-time pleasures, make the bitch useful -- the dog, that is. Bend your animal lover over her catatonic companion and epitomize the true meaning of doggystyle.

Buttons curled up in bed with us last night so Steve turned lemons into orgasms and Saint Bernardetted me over her while we both panted like hyenas.