“He did it eagerly and willingly and I wasn’t about to protest; I could barely form simple words at that point.”

~

By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

My First... : Wherein we reminisce about a seminal experience in our sexual education.

Blackout Sex

As a young, under-weight female drinker, I’m not really sure how I teetered for as long as I did on the brink of blackout without plunging over the side. Perhaps it was my wise drinking methods, or maybe the bartender was a little light on the goods. Either way, it all changed one Sunday night. And, unlike most blackout stories that end with someone waking up in a deserted alley, mine culminated in a night of sex that, unfortunately, I’ll never fully remember. However, there are some key points I seem to remember in sharp detail.
   
I had invited a few friends from work out to drink at a bar I started frequenting (mainly because I found a certain bartender extremely appealing). The night started out pretty relaxed -- we threw back Captain and ginger ale for a few hours, swooning over Bartender-X’s sexy pour and indulging in conversation so senseless I wouldn’t need the blackout to forget it. But come midnight, my friends had left me for other haunts and I found myself left with a few stragglers and Coyote Beautiful himself.

I, of course, continued to drink, flirting mercilessly, and soon I was on the floor of the bar’s dirty, cold bathroom with my head in the toilet. From outside the door I could hear a male voice call my name. It was the bartender. He explained that he was going to close up and then he’d take me home.

I remember walking past the bar and leaving through the back, the bartender directing me the entire time. I can’t remember if he had unlocked the door to my apartment or if I had. It was a good thing that he had lived in the same building a few years back because I might not have been able to find it, even though it was only a block away.

Skip ahead an undetermined amount of time: we are taking off our clothes. Well, he is taking off our clothes, I don’t know what I’m doing and, in retrospect, I hope there was no actual drooling involved. The sex itself was some of the clumsiest I’ve ever had. And I guess I blacked out during the deed because it was definitely the shortest (Er, I hope that was the reason). But whatever the duration, he made up for my obvious clumsiness, taking control of the situation and positioning me as needed.

The oral part of the night I remember vividly. There had definitely been some ass-to-mouth. He did it eagerly and willingly and I wasn’t about to protest; I could barely form simple words at that point. His desire was something I won’t readily forget either because it was such a turn-on, even in my drunken stupor. And even though his constant “disbelief” that I didn’t have a boyfriend was severely annoying (I mean, come on, I don’t need the reminder), the most shameful part of the experience is that I couldn’t truly enjoy it. Because, honestly, anyone that goes ass-to-mouth on his or her first time with someone has got to be a possible sex god. And I totally missed the boat, goddamn it.
   

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

1. The Red Lobster
A woman innocently buys a fresh lobster from the grocery, takes it home and shoves the tail into her pus-tank. Then, holds a lighter to it’s face, scaring the crap out of the thing (hopefully not literally) and causing the cunt-deep crustacean to flip and wag its tail in a pleasurable motion.
I can’t wait go visit my grandparents on the Cape for the lobster! I don’t eat seafood but I love to lighthouse myself on the hammock before breakfast.

 

 

 

 

2. The Bull Horny
Lay ya lady down, hover and cover her good stuff with a street-riot bullhorn and whisper sweet, amplified nothings into her softbox, letting the electronic vibration reverberate her sexual sense of sound.
We got a noise complaint last night because Larry was screaming Christmas carols into my box while doing the Bull Horny.