“You’re just mad I’m a pre-mature ejaculator.”

~ Arthur, King of Sexiness.

By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

 

Player Profile: Wherein we present a portrait of a former paramour, done all NFL draft style.

 

Fake Name: Arthur
Height: 6’0
Weight: 210

Short Bio:
Arthur is every girl’s best friend. He’s the guy who’s surrounded by women, but can’t seem to get out of the friend zone. When he approaches a girl, she often tells him that he is like a brother to her. He spends his days listening to other girls’ problems, playing basketball, and monopoly—nothing else.

Player Highlights:
-Arthur facebooked me our freshman year of college. He informed me that he’d seen me everywhere he went and that he couldn’t seem to get me off his mind.  It creeped me out because I had never seen this guy around campus or even heard of him.  Because I was nice, I replied to his messages and never told him what a weirdo I thought he was.  He gave me his number the last week of classes.  I called him the first week of winter break out of boredom.  He told me how he used to watch me walk from class outside of his dorm room and every time he seen me “Beauty” by Dru Hill would suddenly play on his laptop.

-My best friends from high school were throwing a reunion party at the Sheraton hotel downtown during winter break. I didn’t know how to get to the Sheraton because I rarely went downtown. After the party, Arthur called to tell me he’d meet me downtown to escort me back home. He was such a gentleman and got along great with my friends. Later that night, outside my house, he kissed me.

-Arthur had this obsession with Denzel Washington.  More than what any healthy, heterosexual man should. He often told me how attractive Denzel was. Every time he came over to my house we watched a Denzel flick. Sometimes when he spoke, his head would sway from side to side like a female and he dragged his words like a valley girl. I ignored his feminine gestures.

-He was a pre-mature ejaculator and often bragged about it. The first time we had sex, he didn’t even last a minute. He’d climb on top of me and break a sweat lying still. Arthur said it had been a while, so I didn’t think much of it -- until he lasted one minute every time we had sex. I figured the more we did it, the better he’d get. I was so wrong, but he didn’t seem to mind.
“You’re just mad I’m a pre-mature ejaculator,” he’d say, laughing. Uh, not funny.

-Arthur loved monopoly. Once, after an entire day of not hearing from him, he called to tell me that he was playing monopoly all day and that his phone was in his room. I was so pissed.

-On another occasion, while sitting in his room about to do the deed (for a few seconds), he changed his mind last minute and called his friends over to play monopoly.

-I didn’t return to school spring semester, so we spent our relationship long distance. It was fine until I came up for a weekend. He and my best friend were supposed to meet me at the bus depot, except he wasn’t there; He was playing basketball for four hours with “Hector.”  That night, I stayed at his place. When we woke up, he asked (only) his roommate if he wanted to go to brunch, as if I wasn’t lying right next to him. I went home that night and fought with him over the phone. I asked him if “Hector” would play basketball with some dude, if his girlfriend was coming up. He hung up on me.

-I tried for days to call him and break up with him, but he wouldn’t answer my phone calls. Later that week he called and broke up with me because he said I was too angry and wanted to have sex too much. I told him I been wanted to break it off, but he was being too much of a pussy to answer his phone. We haven’t spoken since, but I suspect Hector was there to console him.

 

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

1. The Popeye

A brawny dude knocks out his partner by hitting them on head with a block of frozen spinach.  With his partner lying passed out on the floor, he sits on his face and begins jacking off.  As said dude reaches climax, he punches his partner in the stomach and yells, “Make sure ya get enough iron, Sea Hag!”

This bruise above my eye makes me suspect Richard was watching some old Popeye cartoons last night. I can’t wait til he’s out of that phase.

 

 

 

2. The Mission Position

To be practiced with impunity by the man presented with an opportunity to mate well above his league, the mission position is a “go hard or go home” effort to biologically pair a hot woman to you through the memory of incredible sex.  Simply assume the missionary position, but instead of your grandparents’ horizontal rub, prop that girl’s legs on your shoulders and her back on something to hold her steady, giving you ultimate leverage. Pump, pump away!

A chance with a girl comes across once in lifetime, so you better believe I rolled her into the mission position and unleashed my primal energy.