By Creampie Lawrence  |  Send to Friend

Ask Creampie Lawrence: Wherein our own resident conscience breaks it down for you.

Dear Creampie Lawrence:
Recently I’ve been feeling a little skeptical about my relationship with my girl. I love my girlfriend with all my heart, but when she decided to convert to Rastafarianism things started changing. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with the religious aspect, it’s just that now she decided to go au naturale and decided to let her hair grow out ... in all places! Her pits are starting to smell like some of my dirty gym clothes, and if you stick a black power afro pick into the forest growing in between her legs, you’ll get ?uestlove. This is not what I thought when she said she was going back to her ’roots’. I’m even starting to notice some disturbing facial hair I’ve never seen before.

What should I do?
Trichophobiac

Oh Trich, I don’t envy you. Those sick little trust-afarians are running rampant all over our fair city like some hairy, smelly disease. I’m all for culture crossing, but I’m afraid South Street has been giving the wrong impression. Here are ways to scare your little rasta straight. First, tell her that every time she smokes pot, according to Rastafari tradition, it must be smoked as a sacrament, so she must buy a fancy hand-carved chalice (these can cost more than a hundred bucks!) and convene with other Rastafari on the top of a mountain somewhere to smoke together. (No more puffing out of an apple and zoning out to VH1 on the couch) As a Rastafari, she is also expected to reject all modern western culture (Babylon), so it is important to deprive her of things considered modern and remind her of it at all times.  Prohibit her cell phone use, DVD watching, toaster using, email reading, etc. Is she hungry for a Big Mac? Ha, ha that really is too bad. She’ll be shaving her bits again in no time.

Dear Creampie Lawrence:

I’ve been dating this guy for about a month now and I’m in the process of deciding whether to go any further. He’s really nice, and the sex is great, there’s just one small problem. He screams like a bitch! Let me clarify, I love when a guy makes the occasional baritone sex noises and steps away from the mundane moaning and groaning. But this guy’s pitch is higher than Michael Jackson’s, when he was 12 years old. It’s gotten so bad that I try to cover his mouth with my hand when riding him, or continuously make-out with him when doing it missionary. I’m running out of ways to cover his mouth.

Please help me.
The Soprano

Wow, sounds to me like some childhood trauma, in which case, this dude’s got major baggage and get out now while you can.  If you do decide to stay with him, there are plenty of ways to get him to shut up in the bedroom. The most obvious choice is a ball gag, though watching him writhing around spitting up on himself and hearing his muffled screams may be a real vag-breaker. Why not make a sex video with him and act as if it’s your first time hearing his screams when you watch it together afterward. Say something like “Wow, is that you screaming like a little girl?” or “This can’t be right, maybe the treble is tuned way up,” and than fool around with the settings for a while before you declare every level is where it’s supposed to be. He’ll be so ashamed and hate himself so much that  you won’t hear a peep out of him in bed, maybe just silent weeping.

 

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

1. Spin Art
When sweaty lovemaking comes to a climax on a humid summer night, the male grabs an oscillating fan from the nightstand, bestrides over his human canvas, and drips his lumpy paint onto the swinging fan blades, splattering the walls sheets in a shower of centrifugal whitewash.

Color Me Mine was closed, so Angelica and I just skipped it and went straight home for some Spin Art.

2. The Gummyworm
After a night of lethargic boozing and a coke binge that's worn off, a helplessly impotent guy manually squishes his lifeless member inside his partner's unsatisfied slit and leaves it in all night while they spoon.

I had to pee all night long but Randy Gummywormed again so I had to wait till morning to break free.