“After several attempts to “put it in me so bad” as he professed he would, we gave up.”

~

By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

My First... : Wherein we reminisce about a seminal experience in our sexual education.

Hairy Ass
I've never been a major party go-er, drinker, or the kind of gal to drop my undies with a guy I’d only met a couple hours before. So, when I dropped by the house of a good friend after a power session of studying for Physics and found her and her housemates in the middle of setting up for one of their notorious house parties, my inclination was to depart quickly and gracefully. But, after twenty minutes of begging me to stay and reminding me that I was in need of some serious tension release (in the form of Vodka and cranberry juice of course), I decided to stay.

I was well on my way to drunk town when my friend introduced me to a guy with whom she went to high school. I was immediately attracted. He was cute, in an “I’m the best looking and best dressed out of all my nerdy friends” kind of way. Yeah, totally my type.

We delved into deep conversation and heavy flirtation soon followed. For some unknown reason, I started discussing the modern significance of Ralph Waldo Ellison’s “Invisible Man,” to which he said, “You know, you’re the coolest girl I’ve met in months.” I blushed. Then he said, “I’d really like to kiss you.” I told him I was a little uncomfortable doing that in front of a room full of beer-pong junkies, but he reassured me by saying, “I don’t even see anyone else in here.” I gave him the nod and he leaned over and kissed me. We made out for a bit, and then we searched for a more secluded area upstairs.

We found a room and began to shed our clothes along with our inhibitions. I shuddered with the anticipation of my first one-night stand. He climbed on top of me and the expected movements and sounds ensued. Through the drunken haze of bra straps loosening, belt buckles flying open, and jeans dropping to the floor, I grazed my conquest’s backside and found more than I anticipated. A mass of long, thick, yet peculiarly soft hair started from the middle of his back to his very tippy toes.

My first instinct was to push him off of me with complete, unabashed disgust, grab any clothes I could find in the dark and rush to the bathroom to redress and salvage my dignity. But as soon as the thought came into my head I pushed it away. Hasty decisions were not the way to handle this, but how was I to get away without being awkward or abrupt? I decided to just go through with it and told myself to be more careful about where I put my hands from then on. He was a really nice guy after all.

But as the tussling continued, I was noticeably distracted by the questions circling in my head. Was I overreacting? I know guys can be hairy, but what is the line between rugged manliness and having a little too much in common with the animal kingdom? Did he really think it was okay to just let that stuff grow? Was there a grooming regimen for a butt mane?

Then came the moment of truth, well kind of. Let’s just say my new furry friend had a major case of performance anxiety.  After several attempts to “put it in me so bad” as he professed he would, we gave up. He blamed it on the alcohol and I didn’t object, even though I was sure his alcohol intake was significantly lower than mine – and I was fully capable. Whatever the reason, it gave me a chance to get away. Then, as if she knew I needed rescuing, my friend knocked on the door and yelled in saying the party was coming to a close (she and her boyfriend were really frisky too). We hopped up with no objection, put our clothes on, kissed a little and then he left.

Needless to say, we have never seen each other since and when I found out our hook-up was the result of his recent break up with his girlfriend who he reconciled with only days later, I was temporarily crushed. Then I realized whoever this girl is, she has to deal with Sasquatch’s sexual inadequacies on a regular basis. And the world made sense again.

 

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

1. Pink Berry
Unlike the frozen yogurt franchise, your girl’s pink berry is found nestled between two vaginal lips any time and any place. Sucking on it is pleasurable for both people involved and like fro-yo it’ll brighten your day. Best part? No calories!

Finally a new Pink Berry francise opened! And not only does it not suck like all of the other ones, it's so close to home!

 

 

 

 

2. Beat It!

Though the white glove-wearing freak sang this song to discourage violence, the S&M lovers out there should follow this maxim in the chorus-- "beat it, just beat it!" Guys, make your girl suck you till you're rock hard, then beat her pussy with your dick and fist till she climaxes.

Last night my boyfriend beat my pussy up like it stole something.