By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

Ask Creampie Lawrence: Wherein our own resident conscience breaks it down for you.

Dear Creampie Lawrence,
So…I was caught in the sweet act of humpin’ by my parents. I mean-- face down, ass up when they walked into my bedroom to check up on me. Problem is, after this incident they are always finding random reasons to “check up on me.” Now I have nowhere to fuck! What can I do?
 
Sincerely,
Assed Out
 
Ass-O, I am not sure you really have a problem. You have an absolutely perfect place to screw. Keep it in your bedroom and keep it a lot. Either your parents are being extra snoopy to make sure you are not doing the deed or they are hoping to catch you again. Regardless of what they want you should ramp-up what you want. Be loud, leave the door open, let them know beforehand. You may even find that you enjoy having you parents watch you get it on. Hell, if you are lucky they may want to join in, it could be a wonderful bonding experience for all of you. And if they are hoping that continuing to walk into your room will stop you from acting, go and do it in their bed.

 

Creampie,
 
My boyfriend thinks it's totally sexy when a girl takes a dump. Every time I have to go, he insists on getting it on in the bathroom, and won't even let me open a window! When I make up an excuse as to why I can't have sex right then, he shrugs and proceeds to beat his wang on the toilet. I've even tried going in secret, but he's always outside the door waiting with a horndog look on his face. Sometimes I don't even have time to wipe. I love him and I love the sex, but a girl needs some privacy! Please, tell me how I can poop in peace!
Thanks,
Need to Number Two
 
So you want to poo in peace, Need Two, I believe that to be a very admirable request. I think you should test his desires, although this may create a greater disgust for your man, it may put him in his place. You state that sometimes you do not even have the chance to wipe, I say forgo the wipe! After a few days worth of scat-crust build up on your sphinct sit down and add a fresh slick of pudding when he approaches you with that horndog look ask for oral, in fact demand it. Let him know in not subtle terms that the only way you can get turned on while in the loo is to have your bum licked clean. If he takes this idea and runs with it…well, do what any good man does when he has left his woman unsatisfied, tell him you already came and that your now ready for a nap.

 

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

1. The Guac Dip
A woman blindfolds her man and sneakily lets him penetrate half a pitted avocado in place of her woman hole. After his climax, she takes off the blind fold and offers crackers and guacamole as a healthy snack for post-coital grubbing.

John kept whining at me to cook him dinner. I gave him the Guac Dip to shut him up for a while.

2.The Lawnmower Man

Wait a couple of months until your significant other’s pubic area begins looking like ?uestlove’s ever growing fro. Rub wax all around your mouth and lips and start eating your girl out until it hurts. The perfect mix between oral pleasure and excruciating pain is sure to make her cum.

My girlfriend wanted me to go down on her, so I gave her the Lawnmower. Ripped that shit up by its roots.