“Ur getting dis free dick so dun complain.”

~ Text Sex Master

By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

My First... : Wherein we reminisce about a seminal experience in our sexual education.

My First Textual Seduction

It kills me when a guy gets all swaggerrific via text without the balls to pull off any sort of swagger in person. James, the swaggerless boy that I had the misfortune of getting “involved with” in high school, seemed like an all-American boy—clean, average and wholesome—much like a glass of fresh milk. I tend to go for the badass so I was not sufficiently impressed when I learned he had a thing for me, especially since he had his friend tell me all elementary school-style. I was pleased, however, when he finally mustered up the courage to ask for my number. It was a step in the right direction.
    But a week went by without a call or even a text. I don’t play coy and pride myself on being bold and forward, so I finally sent him a text, “WTF? Why would you ask for my number and never call?” I fell asleep that evening, forgetting that I had sent a text. Finally, my phone ringer jerked me awake and when I looked at the clock next to my bed, I was pissed. 4:40 A.M. on a school day? Who the fuck was booty calling me? Well, James, of course. His reply to my previous message (that I sent at a reasonable time) was, “Wat u got on?” I rubbed my eyes and stared at the little screen. He had to be kidding. We had never spoken in person before. But I got a little twinge of excitement. This could be fun.
    Me: Ummmm…so…yeah. Pajamas. Bc I’m in bed.
    James: nvm. U didnt get wat i wuz tryin to say.
    I had to roll my eyes when I saw that he spelled out ‘wuz.’ Same amount of letters as ‘was.’ Did he not realize it probably took more effort to write incorrectly?
    Me:  “Oh…don’t worry. I understand. But why would you ask me that?”
    J: o ok so u thinkin bout me?
    Me: Kind of. I was wondering if you were gonna call…
    J: dunn worry. I got u. wen we gonna chill? U no I’m feelin u…
    Me: But you never even called! Or hit me up at school to let me know! You’re the one who claims you like me, so handle it.
    J: Ur getting dis free dick so dun complain.
    I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw his text. I nearly fell out of bed. And it wasn’t just what he said that bothered me. His grammatical incorrectness was killing me! Even in my sleeping state, I managed to write back, “Fuck you. I hate you.” Capitalization and periods all intact. So why couldn’t he do the same?
He writes back, ‘In dat case. i’m very pro-choice. I hope u r 2. No babies.’
I couldn’t help laughing when I read it, but I still wrote, ‘Are you out of your mind? Do I look like your booty call? WTF are you talking about? Who said I would have sex with you?’
    I finally fell asleep and woke up to no new message. I was hoping that our strange ass conversation was just a nightmare. But scrolling through my messages made me confront the sad truth. The next day at school, I saw him as I was heading down the hallway. We walked by one another without a word. But lo and behold, my phone vibrates again. James had written me, “I waz jk. U cant take a joke.”

    I never wrote back. In fact, we have never spoken verbally. I imagine his voice to sound high and timid, like a mouse. With a stutter. I wonder how he’d take that joke.

 

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

1. Deviled Eggs
A man takes a shelled hard-boiled egg and inserts it into his partner’s love canal. Next some good ol’ love making ensues until both parties reach their crowning point. Afterwards, he can eat up that deviled-egg goodness for himself or scoop it out and make it a treat for two.

Tony and I can’t agree on what to bring to Easter Dinner, but we do have this great recipe for deviled eggs....

2. HarMUFFica
Those that are especially musically-inclined will love the opportunity to make sweet music (in addition to sweet love) with their partners. Just fit your mouth around your woman’s outer labia and whistle or blow while performing oral sex. Voila! Your very own mouth organ! This’ll be sure to get her excited (and earn you a good blow!).

After Jim’s drum playing gig with his band, he HarMUFFicaed me. I had no idea he was such a talented multi-instrumentalist!