“Too much anal sex can lead to adult diapers.”

~ Creampie

By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

Ask Creampie Lawrence: Wherein our own resident conscience breaks it down for you.

Dear Creampie Lawrence,

My boyfriend is a freak. He gets a rush from having sex where sex is not meant to be had. Like the main hallway in my parent’s home, the lobby of a hotel, the glass elevators in the mall, the stairwell in our condo- the list goes on. I dug it for a little bit, like…”Whoa, he wants my body that bad?!” But then I started hearings things and my reputation in the streets is a little more than tarnished. He doesn’t seem to give a shit about what people think. I think the only way he would stop would be if he were severely traumatized while in the act.

Your thoughts?
Public Sex

Dear Public Sex,

You sound prudish and boring. If your boyfriend wants to have sex with you in the utility closet, you should do it simply because no one else will want to have sex with you anywhere.

 

Dear Creampie Lawrence,

I have a problem. (You’re the first person I’m revealing this to). At the moment, I am typing this letter on the computer of a girl whose room I have just panty-raided. Yes…I am that man that creeps into your bedroom at night and leaves you short one or a few panties. To be more specific, I am that man who leaves your dirty clothes bin with a few less panties -- used ones are my favorite. Are you scared yet? I realize how disgusting my habit is. How can I move on from dirty panties to clean ones?

Panty-raider

Dear Panty-raider,

If you Google “dirty panties,” you will find a wide array of websites for men just like yourself. Your not a freak, your more like a cliché. I bet you really like breasts too, how original.

Creampie,

My man only wants to have anal sex and I’m getting tired of it after all of these years. You see, he was my first and only guy and he even made me lose my virginity through anal sex. I’m still a virgin to vaginal sex. It’s been 18 years and I cannot take any more of his inconsideration and violent sexual behavior. There’s only so much ‘Who’s ass is this?’ or ‘I’m your bitch’ that I can take before I get completely turned off by him. There’s no cuddling or anything after. Even worse, there was one time he made me use a strap-on. We won’t get into that. I don’t know what to think!

Please help!
Only Anal

Dear Only Anal:

Too much anal sex can lead to adult diapers. Assuming you now have problems holding in your shit, next time you have an “accident,” try leaving the heavy panties in his workbag. After the third time or so, he’ll come around.

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

1. The Schadenfreude

Remove all of your partner’s clothing and tie him up. Tell him to dare you to burn his penis. Burn him whether or not he dares you. Then force him to have sex with you while you take extreme pleasure in his tears. Can be done with any torturous act you can imagine.

My boyfriend made me dinner last night. It made me so hot I Schadenfreuded the shit out of him.

 

 

 

2. Hide and Go Seek

No hands allowed! Use your tongue to plant, then take out, little treasures like M&Ms and Starbursts from your partner’s vagina. Extra points if you can unwrap the Starburst inside of her!

Dan gathered all of his friends to play Hide and Go Seek with Laura in the park. Just like old times!