“Don’t even get us started on your touchdowns. They were pearls of manufactured elegance.”

~ Scott Hesel ( matt jr. )

By Scott Hesel  |  Send to Friend

 

An Open Letter to Kyle Orton

By the Association of Game Managers

Dear Mr. Orton,

Not long ago, you were one of us, a member in good standing. We marveled at your ability to throw the big-time incompletion that didn’t hurt your team, as well as to win with 8 completions for a total of 112 yards. Even your gaffes were beneficial to your team: Your interceptions were borderline punts that pinned the opposition near their own endzone, where you knew the rabid dogs of your defense would punish them for their impunity. Even after throwing a pick, don't think we didn't notice (and appreciate) the way you were right there, galoomphing down the sidelines, cutting off the angle of the safety and limiting his return to 20 yards.

Don’t even get us started on your touchdowns. They were pearls of manufactured elegance. Those two-yard play-action TDs to a wide open Desmond Clark or Marc Edwards? Believe me, you even had lifetime member Danny Kannell shedding a tear.

At the end of the 2005 season, the Bears had an 11-5 record, and you were the pride of Game Managers everywhere. It was a miracle to start for fifteen games and throw for under 2000 yards and 10 touchdowns, but somehow, you gamely saw to it. You gave all of us GMs across the world hope. With a little luck and a world-class defense, we thought, we, too, could get to the top by contributing virtually nothing except leadership and a rubber-band arm. Finally, we had a season to hang up alongside Jim Miller’s 2001 division championship and Trent Dilfer’s landmark 2000 Super Bowl campaign.

We are writing you today to tell you that you’ve changed, Kyle. Oh, Lord, have you changed. Here we are, six games into the 2008 season, and you think you’re some kind of Gunslinger. Have you been getting tips from Rex? 32 passes during Sunday’s win against Minnesota, and even worse, 283 yards. 283 yards, Kyle. For christ's sake, That’s almost 300. And that’s after throwing for 334 yards two weeks ago. Do you think 300 yards is going to make Shaun King proud?

Don’t even get us started on the Eagles game, Kyle. You should’ve seen yourself, swaggering all over the place with your three touchdowns, all of them twenty yards or more. What exactly were you trying to prove? That you could lead your team to victory? Kyle, leading your team to victory is for Quarterbacks. You are, and will always be, a Game Manager.

Right now, you’re on pace to throw for more than 3,500 yards this season. That is flat-out unacceptable. We here at the Association of NFL Game Managers feel that our people are on the verge of extinction, and you are the cause of it. All over the league, quarterbacks are emboldened by your efforts, hurling long TD bombs willy-nilly, trying to soar their way to victory. Well, here is where it has to end, funny boy.

Just look at Matt Ryan, Kyle. Two weeks ago, he passed the 300-yard threshold against you after barely surpassing 200 in his first five games. We can’t help but think he caught sight of your flashy neckbeard and thought, “What one man can do, I can do."

Other than Matt Cassell, you are our last and best hope, Kyle. We request that you sign a blood oath right here and now to foreswear the following:
-Throwing for over 200 yards in a game (even 200 is pushing it)
-Throwing for more than one touchdown a game
-Throwing less than one interception a game (remember, throwing no interceptions is the mark of a Quarterback)

In the meantime, convince your defense to manufacture some fluky fumble return touchdowns and field goal blocks. Oh, and tell Devin Hester to return something for once. Only then, can you start winning the shitty way again.

Sincerely,

The Association of Game Managers, represented by: Jim McMahon, Mike Tomczak, Bubby Brister, Stan Humphries, Danny Kannell, Rodney Peete, Trent Dilfer, Shaun King, Brad Johnson (post-2000 version).