“Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!…. Oh yeahhhhh….oh…Oh yes! Yeah. Right there!”

~ She Who Shall Not Be Named

By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

My First... : Wherein we reminisce about a seminal experience in our sexual education.

 

Aural Sex
Fairly early on in life, most normal people experience the awkwardness (or complete disgust) that comes with hearing people have sex. Seriously. I’ve heard horror stories from friends who’ve heard their parents go at it like rabbits after they thought all of their kids had drifted off to sleep. I was always proud to proclaim that I had never had my cherry popped – my hearing-people-doing-the-nasty cherry, that is. So I will never forget that fateful night when He and She Who Shall Not Be Named performed an unknown sex act within earshot of my not-so-virginal ears. It was a depressingly chilly winter night -- an all-nighter affair. My roommate and I were up at about 2 a.m. hunched over our biology books, reading about the male and female sexual organs. With eyes red and bleary, I looked at the clock and said, “Fuck this! It would be a good night to be in bed with a man. I didn’t sign up for this shit!” My friend leaned over and sighed, “I know right? I thought college was about switching bed partners every other night.” Twisted, right? Too bad we were dead serious. Well, not as serious as my suitemate and her man.

When a high-pitched yelp caught my attention a few minutes later, I leaned out of our 20th floor window to look for the bastard that was attacking some poor squirrel or rodent. The miniscule figures roaming around on the pavement revealed nothing. I had finally turned my focus back to the structure of the penis and the vagina when slapping sounds coming from down the hall distracted me. They were too fast, too repetitive to be an accident.

My friend turned away from her desk to whisper to me, “Girl! You hear that?!”

“I think…you gotta be kidding me,” I replied. “Who’s getting the shit slapped out of them?”

Then I heard another haunting scream, “Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!”…. “Oh yeahhhhh….oh…be careful! We don’t want them to hear!  Oh yes! Yeah. Right there!”

I’m not gonna lie -- I was so pissed off when I heard that. Fornication? Going down in my crib? Unacceptable. But I wasn't annoyed that I might fail BIO. I was pissed it wasn’t me experiencing the obviously much-lauded skills of He Who Shall Not Be Named. At first I laughed, then I cried. It was just not fair.

Most decent people would not force themselves to study under those conditions, but I was stubborn and refused to be sex-iled from my entire suite. My roommate and I stood our ground, turning the radio up to compete with the ever-rising sounds of the horizontal tango. But it just got to be too much. Every moan and groan was a sucker punch to my eye. We finally called it a night and tossed and turned in our cold, empty beds all night to the soundtrack of the porno flick that was my suitemate and her man.

 

Sexuations: Wherein we identify hot new sexual possibilities.

1. Sperm-cicles

Instead of doing it old school and ejaculating in a cup nearby put those sperm to good use. Take an ice cube tray from the freezer and have the male blow his load into the little squares then stick a popsicle stick into each one and freeze those babies for later. Now you and your mate can enjoy a tasty frozen treat.

Charlie and I were a sweaty mess after our first night together so we made some Sperm-cicles to cool us off. Mmmm…refreshing.

 

 2. Connect 4

 

You can do it vertically, horizontally or diagonally. Object of the game: one person’s dick or strap-on must be stuck in any orifice of the person next to him or her, until four people are connected. A complete connection must be maintained. Last person to orgasm wins!

I think Joe really enjoyed game night last weekend. All week I kept hearing him moan "Go for it...Connect 4!" in his sleep.