“Petrified by triggers as varied as St. Patrick's Day, the MacBook Air, WeeMees, tapas, Mini Coopers, Verne Troyer and fleas, the American mycrophobe can at least console him- or herself with the thought that he's living in a country that's also home to the Big Gulp.”

~ E. Bougerol

By E. Bougerol  |  Send to Friend

Nutjob walks into a shrink's office and says, "Doctor, doctor, I'm covered with butterflies, they're everywhere!" Shrink starts swatting at the air and says, "Well don't get them on me!"

Funny? Possibly, especially when our Uncle Artie tells it (the glass eye helps). But it's no laughing matter to those suffering from lepidopterophobia, the crippling fear of moths or butterflies. Millions of Americans live every day with debilitating phobias of completely harmless objects. Here are 10 that make us glad we're not those people.

The All-Time Worst Phobias:

10. Geniophobia: Fear of Chins

Fear of chins doing what, exactly? Coming unscrewed from their owner's face and attacking you in your sleep? Sneaking up on you unawares, like you innocently go to turn on your TV and suddenly you're face to face with Kirk Douglas, Jay Leno, the 500-lb. karaoke singer from "Intervention" (don't pretend you don't know what we're talking about) or Reese Witherspoon, whose chin looks tweaked with a pencil sharpener?

9. Anglophobia: Fear of All Things English

To be fair, we're already scared of meeting Pete Doherty or Amy Winehouse in a dark alley (hell, even in a CVS), but Anglophobes have it twice as rough these days, what with England apparently being the only place where talent happens anymore. Imagine a life in which your average Rachel Weisz-and-Kate Winslet-as-naughty-librarians fantasy carries with it the threat of cold sweats and a stun gun. And no Helen Mirren or Harry Potter? That pretty much restricts your topics of cocktail party conversation to Hannah Montana, Jim Belushi sitcoms, and Donald Trump. Good luck with that.

8. Olfactophobia: Fear of Smells

The ambitious olfactophobe is in a pickle -- so many careers are off limits to he who pees himself over smells, and we mean smells of any stripe: No gigs in candle emporia, chicken-chopping plants, dollar stores (why do they always smell like rubber soles?), public transportation, Indian restaurants, or densely populated, open-concept offices located near a Taco Bell. And you can kiss your dream job at the J. Lo fragrance counter at Macy's goodbye.

7. Pogonophobia: Fear of Beards

Western pogonophobes should thank their lucky stars to be living in a clean-shaven age and place, relatively speaking; had they been born 200 years ago or in Tehran, life -- with its daily deluge of beardos -- would be a living hell. Naturally, the Bible and Christianity are completely off-limits to pogonophobes, as are Civil War documentaries, ZZ Top videos, and any footage of Woodstock. (All of which are bliss for the geniophobe, beards acting as a merciful blind to the paranoia-inducing sight of chins.)

6. Lutraphobia: Fear of Otters

Ailurophobia (fear of cats) we can get behind, and arachnephobia (fear of spiders) is a total gimme. Even bufonophobia -- the fear of toads -- we can sort of understand. But otters? Seriously? Those lovable creatures at the aquarium that look like seals crossed with cocker spaniels, doing little twirls in the water and looking up at you with their big dewy eyes? What, are you threatened by the way they whack clams against their chests for dinner? You're just weird. No Cute Overload for you.

5. Mycrophobia: Fear of Small Things

Size matters -- it's all that matters, in fact -- for the mycrophobe. Petrified by triggers as varied as St. Patrick's Day (leprechauns), the MacBook Air (0.76", 3 lbs.), WeeMees (tiny -- and annoying), tapas, Mini Coopers, Verne Troyer and fleas, the American mycrophobe can at least console him- or herself with the thought that he's living in a country that's also home to the Big Gulp, Texas, the Mall of America, a $49.50 pizza that weighs 12 lbs. (including 40 oz. of cheese), and the 500-lb. kid from "Intervention" (seriously, don't pretend).

4. Urophobia: Fear of Urine

The urophobe is crippled by pee, both his own and that of others, and you know what that means? Dude has the retention capabilities of a camel. He's the guy you send to wait in line for concert tickets or the iPhone, the guy you're safe standing next to in Times Square waiting for the ball to drop with no access to toilets. There are downsides, mind you. New York City in August is not an option for those suffering from this disease, and accidental exposure to the Stadium Buddy infomercial or golden-shower porn pretty much guarantees medical intervention and a lifetime of tranqs.

3. Aulophobia: Fear of Flutes

You may not notice much flute action in your environment -- studies show the average American is aware of only one to three instances of flute-related stimuli a week. But for the aulophobe, the onslaught is constant. "Riverdance," the love theme from "Titanic," the recordings of Sir James Galway, Enya, and Al Jarreau. Ireland! That means no trips to the dentist, no going near a spa or any other type of holistic medicine facility, and no Guinness. Now do you feel bad for them?

2. Aichmophobia: Fear of Pointed Objects

This one's bound to be supremely inconvenient. Pencils, knives, forks, knitting needles, Nicole Richie, coral reefs, "Edward Scissorhands," modern sculpture, German expressionism, Reese Witherspoon's chin: All these are horrors for the aichmophobe, who moves through the world terrified of anything sharp, pointy or even a little angular, doomed to have his mother cut his food into tiny pieces and feed them to him with a spoon (no sporks!) for the rest of his life.

1. Eurotophobia: Fear of Female Genitalia

We have a gay male friend who, when it was suggested that penises weren't too pretty to look at, responded, "Maybe, but at least my business doesn't look like a hatchet wound." Okay, that's a fair point. It ain't exactly Matisse. We don't buy into the whole "the vagina is a beautiful flower" hoo-ha, so we certainly don't expect you to. But to be scared of it? It's not like it has teeth. Okay, it has teeth. But they're small (no good for mycrophobes, we realize) and they're not very sharp. They couldn't eat a sandwich on a good day.


E. Bougerol is scared of nothing save fire ants, "Lil' Abner" and empty beer mugs.