“The only way I could envision your friend with him is if she killed you and gave him a love potion of some kind. But her chances of knowing a magician powerful enough to create such a concoction is just about nil, I'm thinking.”

~ Rats

By Jayson Musson  |  Send to Friend

Dear Rats,

I've known this guy for about six months and he's become my best friend. We have numerous things in common and we just seem to click. There is one problem though; my friend who introduced us has liked him for four years. He pretty much ignores her and spends a lot of time with me. I don't know what to tell her. We are attracted to each other and we keep sneaking around so she won't see us in public. I once hinted to her that I liked him and this really upset her. Is there an easy way to tell her that this guy and me are becoming a couple?

Signed,
Tired of the Hiding

Dear Tired of the Hiding:

It sounds like your friend is just going to have to deal with the fact that she has no game, or no personality -- or is just plain ugly -- and that she has no chance ever with this fellow. I mean, she’s known dude for four years and they’re still just friends and you come along in six months and immediately click with this guy? The only way I could envision your friend with him is if she killed you and gave him a love potion of some kind. But her chances of knowing a magician powerful enough to create such a concoction is just about nil, I'm thinking. Besides: four years? What was she waiting for? A gang of angels to descend from the firmament and tell her “All lights are green on our end, sweetie, it’s time to holler"? The best way to tell her that you are dating her dream man would be to upload a video to You Tube of the two of you making out, and send your friend an email with a link to this video, subject line: "Reality Check." That’s what ol' Rats would do.


Dear Rats,

I am 16. I am going to meet my girlfriend's parents soon. She is a Christian girl, and I'm a Gothic Satanist. I want to impress her parents. I need to know some basics such as how to address them and how to let them know that I'm a good kid although I don't look like it. I'm afraid that if I make a bad first impression that they will hate me, and I'm almost sure that if they don't like me it will make the relationship much harder.

Signed,
Besotted Beholder of Beelzebub

Dear BBB:

How much do you love the devil? I venture to say not that much. If you truly were a Satanist and held your devotion to The Dark Lord in proper accord in your soul, then you wouldn’t try to look like a ‘good kid’ for a bunch of middle-class Christian idiots. If anything, you should show up to dinner riding on the back of a rabid black goat with a live chicken tied to your neck like a fly-ass necklace. But you probably won’t do that, because you’re really just a lame-ass normal kid posing as a Satanist. You may have a pentagram on your T-shirt, but you’re secretly an Abercrombie douche bag underneath it all. Uh-oh! Your shirt's not tucked in! Uh-oh! You’re wearing white after Labor Day! Uh-oh! Better wear a condom! Next thing you’ll tell me is that you’re into the environment and that you’re considering going to a "solid liberal arts college." You disgust me, kid. I’d tell you to go to hell but you don’t deserve to sit at the hooves of the Dark Lord bathing in the glory of his magma-like semen.


Do you have a dilemma that needs a simple solution, bathed in compassion and dripping with caring? Ask Rats!