“According to exploreminnesota.com there are plenty of things to do and see in Minnesota that help make it the cultural cornucopia of the Midwest! For instance, The Duluth Bridge in Duluth Harbor (duh) is an unusual bridge, in that the bridge deck raises straight up to allow ships to pass to and from the harbor!”

~ Rats

By Jayson Musson  |  Send to Friend

Dear Rats,

I was dating a girl in Philly for a while and then she up and moved to Minnesota. I went and visited her once in the winter and now she's two months pregnant. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Surprisingly Unprotected

Dear Surprisingly Unprotected:

What’s Minnesota like? Let me run a google search and get back to you…

Okay, I’m back! So yeah, Minnesota. If you were so inclined to move to Minnesota to be with your girlfriend and your up and coming new child, then Minnesota wouldn’t be too shabby a place to live. According to exploreminnesota.com there are plenty of things to do and see in Minnesota that help make it the cultural cornucopia of the Midwest! For instance, The Duluth Bridge in Duluth Harbor (duh) is an unusual bridge, in that the bridge deck raises straight up to allow ships to pass to and from the harbor! Wow! ‘Straight up?’ you ask incredulously. Wouldn’t you want to go see that with your new family? That’d be something. Also, you could go visit the National Eagle Center to feed Eagles (but only at 11am, 1pm, and 3pm … shucks!), and on Sundays you get to feed eagles a special treat, dead rats! This activity would surely make the cost of uprooting of your life to move to Minnesota worth it. Maybe you can even meet Garrison Keillor of NPR’s "Prairie Home Companion." That old Garrison has a voice like an oversexed cherub who knows how to hit the g-spot like a SCUD missile. In any event, I think you should man the fuck up, toss your stuff into a U-haul and set your sails for Minnesota to be with your lady friend who definitely didn’t sleep with anyone else while she’s been in Minnesota because she loves you and only you. Your life would be grand together, friend. Send me a post card. Or make that several.



Dear Rats,

My 4½ year old daughter has been getting difficult to discipline. She has begun talking back and has also has hit her teacher at preschool. I need help in determining an approach for her.

Sincerely,
At Wits End

Dear At Wits End:

Comedian Bernie Mac once said, “When a kid gets one years old, I believe you got the right to hit ‘em in the throat or stomach.” And I wholeheartedly agree. Kids nowadays, due to the internet, naturally, have become too self-aware of their rights as individuals and no longer cower in fear at the dictums of their parents. Gone are the days when you could threaten a child with wild tales of flight and fantasy such as, “You know Suzy, you shouldn’t hit your teacher. I know you don’t know this but there is a monster named Ralph who lives in Hell with Satan who’s only job is to keep track of children who hit their teachers. Ralph just sits in Hell all day with his calculator adding up each time you hit Mrs. Farber. And on the day you die, Ralph will be waiting for you with his calculator and he will give damaging testimony against you at the trial of your soul, which will end up with you being cast into hell with all the other horrible children and bad people who like to touch children’s privates with sharp things. Oh, don’t cry Suzy! There’s still hope for you, all you have to do is wash all the dishes after dinner tonight and stop hitting your teacher, and also when you become a mommy, name your first child after me.” Yeah, nowadays kids will just go onto wikipedia and find out you're lying (ED NOTE: Unless you're quick enough to jump online and add the entry for 'Ralph the Demon' on wikipedia first). Since kids don’t believe stories like that anymore, you have to establish an environment of perpetual, never-ending anxiety and fear, similar to the U.S. government and terrorism. You can do this by beating them a lot and breaking their favorite toys every time they disobey you. In six months time, you will have a child so perfect, you will feel like you’re raising a 'droid.

Do you have a dilemma that needs a simple solution, bathed in compassion and dripping with caring? Ask Rats!