“Most guys like to pretend that they're these crazy sex animals, but 90% of men are sexually lazy and really have the sex drives of a satin pillow.”

~ Rats

By Jayson Musson  |  Send to Friend

Dear Rats,

What is a normal sex drive? My girlfriend of 4 years can never get enough and is always after me for sex. We used to have sex 2-3 times per day the first year, but I’m sort of over that now. Heck, 3-4 times per week should be ok to satisfy most people. If she had it her way we would be having sex constantly and living in a pigsty. She’s still after me every day (and I often give in) and she’s wearing me out! Sex has become a chore for me! My girlfriend is still amazing in and out of bed but I find myself turning her down quite a bit. I think she’s taking it ok, but I’m a bit nervous she’ll turn elsewhere to satisfy her appetite for sex.

I sometimes feel like I’m with a dude and I’m the chick…

Signed,
Worn the Fuck Out


Dear Worn the Fuck Out:

I have to say that any girlfriend that wants to fuck all day and let the used condoms and take-out containers pile up around you while you two conduct your cycle of fucking, eating, sleeping, fucking, eating, and sleeping again, is some marrying material. But that’s just my preference: I’m a slothful type of fellow.

In any event WFO, I hear your complaint. And to be honest, I’m pretty amazed that you maintained having sex 2-3 times a day for an entire year. You fucked like 800 times that year! Wow! Did you guys fuck on Christmas? What about the anniversary of 9/11? That is quite an accomplishment my friend. Go buy yourself a Gatorade and take a breather, it sounds like you deserve it.

Most guys like to pretend that they’re these crazy sex animals, but 90% of men are sexually lazy and really have the sex drives of a satin pillow, so you’re in the elite 10% of us who can hold down some triathlon, Peter-North-type fucking. You shouldn’t feel too bad now about turning your girlfriend down for sex: She has to realize that your penis isn’t a superhero. But I understand your concern about her possibly turning elsewhere to satisfy her sexual needs. Why not buy her a sybian or buy her a male Real Doll to keep her busy while you take your naps? Or you could just let her wander out of the relationship to seek her kicks elsewhere and when she realizes that there is no man who’d want to fuck 3 times a day for more than 4 days, she’ll come back to you with open arms I wager.

Dear Rats,

I’m in a potentially uncomfortable situation -- my brother wants to have sex with me!

He hasn’t said it outright, but I can tell by the way he acts around me. It really is like having an overly romantic new boyfriend around, in the way he talks to me, and the way he touches me in passing, or when we are close in general (like watching TV or playing Nintendo Wii). He also tries to spy on me when I’m changing, sleeping, or in the shower … I guess that’s a clue also? We are not kids! I’m 17, he’s 16, and we have had our own boyfriends and girlfriends, so it’s more than a curiosity thing on his part. We used to play all kinds of naked games when we were younger but this is different. Do you know what the craziest thing is? He’s wearing me down!

Is it always wrong for a brother and sister to have sex?

Signed,
Incestuously Inquisitive


Dear Incestuously Inquisitive:

Not at all! It’s perfectly OK and moral to have sex with your brother, in fact it's even endorsed by the Bible. Don't believe me? Check it out:

Adam and Eve were brother and sister.

Now, some Christians may tell you that I’m wrong, but they are in fact the ones who are wrong. For example: God, the father, made two people, Adam and Eve. My real father is named Howard. Howard Musson. If Howard Musson made two people, they’d be siblings, correct? So it follows rationally that Adam and Eve, having the same father, are siblings. And if that is the case -- which it is! -- and that Adam and Eve propagated the entire human species, why would it be wrong for you and your brother to do the same thing that the first two people the infinitely wise God put on this planet? It’s not wrong at all! So turn off that Wii, put on a rubber (safe sex isn't in the Bible but it's still a good practice), and get on some big, bad brother love!


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